Tuesday, July 27, 2010

My Pilgrimage to Mount Pleasant

More from the book.....

Sunday July 25, 2010

How to give yourself a Brazilian wax in 20 steps:

Step 1) Don’t do much research on the best brands/systems to buy. Just buy the first hard wax kit you see on Amazon and order it.

Step 2) Grow the hair out on your Mama drama, cause you’ve gotta have something to wax.

Step 3) When you finally get your wax kit in the mail, put the DVD in and watch it. Make sure you call your husband over to watch it too, because it shows you how to give a Brazilian wax. On an actual person. A naked person.

Step 4) After a couple beers and Advil, you get up the courage to give it a shot. Turn the warmer on and get in the shower. God willing you won’t end up in the hospital tonight, but you want to be clean, just in case.

Step 5) Cover anything in a 20 foot radius with a sheet. Wax, vomit and blood all stain.

Step 6) Take the applicator stick and whirl it around in the melted wax, just like the video showed. Start at the edge of the hair, practically your leg, just to be safe, and apply the wax in a small area, in the direction of the hair. While you are waiting for the wax to harden, take a big drink of beer.

Step 7) Flick the bottom edge of the wax up until you have a tab big enough to pull the wax up with. Say a prayer, hold your breath, and count to three. On the count of three pull up and away from your body in the opposite direction of the hair growth in one swift motion.

Step 8) Check to make sure your skin is still there, and realize that it is, in fact, there. Look on the wax strip to see the fruit of your labor and find the 3 hairs that you pulled out. Root and all. Pat yourself on the back for being so amazing at this!

Step 9) Follow steps 6 and 7 on the other side of your body, thinking the whole time that you don’t see what the big deal is. It doesn’t really hurt that much. Think of all the money you’ll save by doing this yourself. And that one spot on your right leg is super sexy.

Step 10) Now go back to the first side again. This time cover more area with wax and get closer to the lady business. While you’re at it, go ahead and do the other side at the same time. While you are waiting for the wax to harden, your husband walks in to see how everything is going. Explain that it’s great. So much easier than you thought. Maybe you’ll open up a waxing shop out of your house you are so awesome at it!

Step 11) Once the wax hardens, flick the tab up and rip. Holy shit. That one will hurt a little more than the first one. Flick and rip the other side. Take a huge drink of beer and walk over to the mirror to admire your hard work and toughness. And don’t worry, the bleeding will eventually stop.

Step 12) Continue working your way towards the Gates of Heaven. Apply, flick, rip, drink. Apply, flick, rip, drink.

Step 13) Now that your husband is here to help and you are practically a pro, it’s time to go for broke. He is much stronger than you and can help rip, so apply three big wax strips. One down the middle of the front, and one on each side of the front.

Step 14) While the wax is setting, give your husband a tutorial on how to properly rip the wax off and chug your beer, knowing damn well that this is the most painful area you will wax.

Step 15) Pull the skin tight with one hand and grab a wash cloth with the other. Have your hubby count to three. Hold your breath and………OOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!! Look down to make sure your Harbor of Hope is still in one piece and realize that he didn’t even pull the strip off. Just a teeny tiny piece of wax is all that’s in his hand.

Step 16) Get up the courage to do this about 20 more times for these three strips. Give up on the last one and just pull in the direction of the hair, even though you know it won’t really pull the hair out, but there is a tab already there and it hurts so damn much and you really have to pee.

Step 17) Take a break. Go pee and stop by the mirror to check out your masterpiece. Bloody, red and swollen isn’t exactly the look you were going for, but there certainly isn’t any hair in those spots anymore.

Step 18) Decide to keep persevering because the most painful part (you are told) is done. Apply the wax to your vertical smile. One on each side. While you are waiting for the wax to harden, joke around with your husband about how sexy you look and how it looks like your cha-cha sneezed, because the wax is a yellowish color.

Step 19) Try to pull this one off yourself. Fail. Try again. Fail. Say some swear words. Try again. Fail. Have your husband try to rip it off. He fails. Seriously consider walking around with wax on your love pocket for the rest of your life. Give it one more try and……..it works. You feel like your gonna vomit, but it worked. Check the piece of wax to make sure that there is no brain tissue attached to the hairs because it feels like you just pulled all of your insides out, through those hair follicles on Mount Pleasant.

Step 20) Finally get the other side’s wax off with the determination of Napoleon and decide that enough is enough. If you keep your legs crossed, you look hairless.

Good Luck!

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