My Pilgrimage to Mount Pleasant

More from the book.....

Sunday July 25, 2010

How to give yourself a Brazilian wax in 20 steps:

Step 1) Don’t do much research on the best brands/systems to buy. Just buy the first hard wax kit you see on Amazon and order it.

Step 2) Grow the hair out on your Mama drama, cause you’ve gotta have something to wax.

Step 3) When you finally get your wax kit in the mail, put the DVD in and watch it. Make sure you call your husband over to watch it too, because it shows you how to give a Brazilian wax. On an actual person. A naked person.

Step 4) After a couple beers and Advil, you get up the courage to give it a shot. Turn the warmer on and get in the shower. God willing you won’t end up in the hospital tonight, but you want to be clean, just in case.

Step 5) Cover anything in a 20 foot radius with a sheet. Wax, vomit and blood all stain.

Step 6) Take the applicator stick and whirl it around in the melted wax, just like the video showed. Start at the edge of the hair, practically your leg, just to be safe, and apply the wax in a small area, in the direction of the hair. While you are waiting for the wax to harden, take a big drink of beer.

Step 7) Flick the bottom edge of the wax up until you have a tab big enough to pull the wax up with. Say a prayer, hold your breath, and count to three. On the count of three pull up and away from your body in the opposite direction of the hair growth in one swift motion.

Step 8) Check to make sure your skin is still there, and realize that it is, in fact, there. Look on the wax strip to see the fruit of your labor and find the 3 hairs that you pulled out. Root and all. Pat yourself on the back for being so amazing at this!

Step 9) Follow steps 6 and 7 on the other side of your body, thinking the whole time that you don’t see what the big deal is. It doesn’t really hurt that much. Think of all the money you’ll save by doing this yourself. And that one spot on your right leg is super sexy.

Step 10) Now go back to the first side again. This time cover more area with wax and get closer to the lady business. While you’re at it, go ahead and do the other side at the same time. While you are waiting for the wax to harden, your husband walks in to see how everything is going. Explain that it’s great. So much easier than you thought. Maybe you’ll open up a waxing shop out of your house you are so awesome at it!

Step 11) Once the wax hardens, flick the tab up and rip. Holy shit. That one will hurt a little more than the first one. Flick and rip the other side. Take a huge drink of beer and walk over to the mirror to admire your hard work and toughness. And don’t worry, the bleeding will eventually stop.

Step 12) Continue working your way towards the Gates of Heaven. Apply, flick, rip, drink. Apply, flick, rip, drink.

Step 13) Now that your husband is here to help and you are practically a pro, it’s time to go for broke. He is much stronger than you and can help rip, so apply three big wax strips. One down the middle of the front, and one on each side of the front.

Step 14) While the wax is setting, give your husband a tutorial on how to properly rip the wax off and chug your beer, knowing damn well that this is the most painful area you will wax.

Step 15) Pull the skin tight with one hand and grab a wash cloth with the other. Have your hubby count to three. Hold your breath and………OOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!! Look down to make sure your Harbor of Hope is still in one piece and realize that he didn’t even pull the strip off. Just a teeny tiny piece of wax is all that’s in his hand.

Step 16) Get up the courage to do this about 20 more times for these three strips. Give up on the last one and just pull in the direction of the hair, even though you know it won’t really pull the hair out, but there is a tab already there and it hurts so damn much and you really have to pee.

Step 17) Take a break. Go pee and stop by the mirror to check out your masterpiece. Bloody, red and swollen isn’t exactly the look you were going for, but there certainly isn’t any hair in those spots anymore.

Step 18) Decide to keep persevering because the most painful part (you are told) is done. Apply the wax to your vertical smile. One on each side. While you are waiting for the wax to harden, joke around with your husband about how sexy you look and how it looks like your cha-cha sneezed, because the wax is a yellowish color.

Step 19) Try to pull this one off yourself. Fail. Try again. Fail. Say some swear words. Try again. Fail. Have your husband try to rip it off. He fails. Seriously consider walking around with wax on your love pocket for the rest of your life. Give it one more try and……..it works. You feel like your gonna vomit, but it worked. Check the piece of wax to make sure that there is no brain tissue attached to the hairs because it feels like you just pulled all of your insides out, through those hair follicles on Mount Pleasant.

Step 20) Finally get the other side’s wax off with the determination of Napoleon and decide that enough is enough. If you keep your legs crossed, you look hairless.

Good Luck!

7 miles farther than the middle of nowhere....

My weekend? Friday = I don't wanna talk about it...... Saturday was much better. We went to a model rocket launch put on by the ULA and Ball summer interns. To get there, we drove about an hour and a half to the middle of nowhere, then turned right on a dirt road and drove 7 miles farther. Apparently, 7 miles farther than the middle of nowhere, you have enough room to set off 25 foot model rockets. It was pretty sweet though and Jackson loved it too. I got SO sunburned.....OUCH! On the way home, Eric and I started noticing some of the homes and all the land that they have. We both started day dreaming about how nice it would be to actually have some land. The reality is that we could have a house as big as ours now, on several acres for LESS than our current house. The catch is that we would be about a half hour away from civilization. We'll have to think about that one....

That night was a neighbor's birthday party. The whole family went and Jackson made it till about 9:00 before Eric took him home to bed. I spent the next 2 hours at the party, talking to my neighbor's 80 something year old mother. You would think that would be boring, but, in fact, it was one of the best conversations I've had with anyone in a while. Not too many people can keep up with me and my chatting, but she was definitely my equal. We talked about everything from having children, to the brain tumor she had removed in her 30's, to our dogs. She is a sweet, lively lady from North Dakota!

Sunday was a typical Sunday for me. I spent the day cleaning. I organized Jackson's nursery, since he isn't in it anymore. It was a little sad to pack up some of those baby things that he can't use anymore. Empty nurseries are a little creepy. Christopher sleeps in there, so it's used, but it's definitely lacking that "lived in" quality. But, onward and upward. I moved some of the things he does still use to his big boy camping room. Eric and I worked in the garage too. It needed some serious organizing, so we finally got that done.

I got my wax kit that I ordered in the mail this weekend, so after dinner and a couple beers, I decided to give that a go. That, is an entirely different blog though!

Don't let the bed bugs bite!

We have several rental properties. A few weeks ago we got a call that one of the tenants is having a bed bug infestation. Apparently, this is our responsibility, as the landlords, to have this eradicated. So, we spent several hundred dollars (of our own money) to have them exterminated with a special heat treatment that ensures they kill them all. After being in this business for several years, we've found that it's better to go ahead and spend the extra money to get the job done right the first time, instead of going the cheap way, and having the problem come back. You always end up spending more in the long run when you go the cheap way. I am really concerned about this bed bug epidemic going on. I know they say that it's not an issue of clean vs dirty. That even the fanciest of homes, hotels and stores can have bed bugs. I'm really concerned about it being a recurring problem though, that we have to keep paying for, because our tenants aren't taking the proper precautions. They say that you get bed bugs from a store or a suitcase or a hotel, or something like that. Bed bugs are brought in, by people, from the outside. I'm just wondering where this stops. What if a family in one of our homes were to, say, pick up lice from a kid at school? Now there are bugs in a home of ours. Do we have to pay to get rid of the lice in the family's hair? What if those lice spread to the carpet? Are they now on the home and it's our responsibility to exterminate? What if a tenant brings in a dog with fleas, and those fleas get in the tenants beds? Is it now our responsibility? Where does it stop?

Random Stream of Thoughts....

I woke up this morning. Thursday morning. The last time I left the house was Monday. I need to get out more. I have been outside. I went for a walk yesterday. I've been in the yard to play with Jackson, but I don't really consider that "leaving the house". So, I gave myself a commute, again. I loaded the boys in the car and drove through Starbucks drive thru. I filled the car up with gas. I returned our library books. I did everything I could think to do that didn't involve getting in and out of the car. There was a time when they were both doing their high pitched squealey scream thing they do. I turned the volume up on the radio, took a big drink of my tall decaf java chip frap and imagined I was in Hawaii.

Eric has softball tonight. His game is at 9:00. He isn't coming home before the game, so that means I'm on my own with Jack all night. Maybe we will go out to eat? On Daddy's tab? I have no plans for the weekend either. I was originally going to go to a Canvas and Cocktails class on Sunday, but they were sold out, so I rescheduled it for August 13. Anyone want to go out Friday night?

I wish I got paid to blog. That way I'd be making money right now.... Just sayin'.

I'm bored....

Some more from the book:

July 20, 2010

Oh My God I’m Bored! I woke up early today. I went to bed a little early last night, with a headache, so I set my alarm for an earlier time this morning, thinking that I would be just as rested as most days. My alarm went off and I was rather tired still, but there was a thunderstorm outside making it difficult to sleep anyway, so I went ahead and got up. I made my coffee to try to kick my headache (which was even worse by now), checked my email and listened to some music. I eventually got ready and was feeling pretty darn good. Not too tired. I still had my headache, but was showered, rested and ready to start my day on time. About an hour later I started feeling really dizzy. I have a HARMLESS heart issue where my heart will beat fast and skip beats. Caffeine can trigger this. Especially caffeine on an empty stomach. Usually this feeling just goes away on it’s own, but today it wasn’t going away. I even went as far as texting Eric asking him to call me in about 20 minutes to make sure I wasn’t dead, while I went upstairs to make some toast. The toast worked and I felt better, but it did force me to sit down for a while, where I might usually be running around. This is when the boredom set in. There’s only so much Sesame Street and Toy Story I can watch. The problem with being bored and watching two toddlers is that there is very little I can do while watching them that entertains me. I would typically get on Facebook and chat with someone or at least text, but I’m running out of my texts for the month and Facebook is off limits still. So,

I call my mom.

I check my email.

I play Words with Friends.

I play Chess with Friends

I check my email.

I read my favorite blogs.

I ping my sister.

I check my etsy account.

I check my email

I text my friends.

I make sure no one posted a new blog.

I clean up the play room.

I check my email.

I do the dishes.

I blog about something stupid and random.

I listen to music.

I order a “do it yourself Brazilian wax kit” online.

I ping my sister and tell her I just ordered a “do it yourself Brazilian wax kit”

I text Eric and tell him he is my official wax ripper offer, because I don’t think I can do it myself.

I check my email.

I check to see if anyone has read my blog.

I google “tips on giving yourself a Brazilian wax”

I check my email.

I have a dance party with the boys.

I get caught dancing by Christopher’s dad to “Hollaback Girl” when he comes to pick Christopher up.

I check my email.

I meet Eric at Kohl’s to get him a new wedding band because he lost his at the zoo two months ago.

I eat dinner.

I check my email.

You see where I’m going with this. Now it’s 9:00 at night and the dishes are done. Jackson is sleeping. The house is clean. And I definitely don’t have any new emails to read. Most people would look at this as a time to just relax and enjoy, but not me. I have no interest in sitting and watching tv. THAT’S ALL I DO! Sure, there is plenty that I could be doing right now, but that’s all boring stuff. I want to do something fun!

Mascara

Is there really that much of a difference in mascara? I get annoyed with the different mascara commercials claiming to do different things. Lengthen. Thicken. Curling. Waterproof. Non Clumping. I've tried all different kinds of brands and types of mascara from Cover Girl to Clinique. I have yet to see a difference other than price. Okay, maybe waterproof makes a difference. It's harder to take off. Other than that though, I see no difference.

Shattered pieces where a wish used to be.....

An excerpt from my book:

July 18, 2010

We had a whole rotisserie chicken for dinner tonight. I always go through the chicken, after I am finished salvaging as much meat as possible, and collect the wish bone. Tonight the bone was already broken. Shattered pieces where a wish used to be. No hope for a wish to come true.

There was a time in my life when I honestly didn’t have anything to wish for. I was so happy, content, and calm in my life that I couldn’t possibly wish for anything more. It was when I was pregnant with Jackson. I wasn’t working a regular job and I had all the time in the world to daydream about the little life growing in my belly, work on the house, decorate his nursery, read, watch tv, sleep. I had so much I was looking forward to.

How did I go from sitting on one side of a wish bone, holding on, wishing for the other person’s wish to come true, because I couldn’t be happier, to sitting on the other side of the wish bone, with so many wishes and hopes for my future that I can’t possibly pick just one?

Was it the hormones? Was it because I wasn’t working? Was it my motherly instinct to stay as happy and calm as possible to give my unborn child the very best? Was it the anticipation?

Am I that bored with my life now that I can’t find true happiness in what I already have, even though my circumstances haven’t changed much since my pregnancy? Would getting pregnant again make me that happy again? What if I can’t get pregnant again?

Where can I find contentment?

Half way

Well, it's July 14th. I'm almost half way to the end of the month of no Facebook. I've gotta be honest, it hasn't been too hard to not look, although I have had a few times that I've really wanted to escape to Facebook land. Today, for instance, was pretty hard. I've been having a rough day with the boys and all I really want is to socialize with grown ups. I don't want to talk about Elmo, or poop. I don't want to break up 2 year old fights. I don't want to put anyone in time out, or have to constantly correct behavior. I don't want to yell at the dogs for pissing in the house or trying to get food off the table. I just want to relax and be with grown ups. Well behaved grown ups. I've thought many times that I should just get back on Facebook. I feel like I've learned the lessons that I need to learn, I've found some new hobbies, I've made some new friends. Now, enough is enough. It's only Facebook. Just get back on there. But, I made a promise to myself that I would give this an entire month. I'm almost halfway there, and I won't be logging on to Facebook for another 17 days. So, until then I'll keep driving my friends crazy with the mass amount of texts they receive from me everyday, I'll keep sewing, I'll keep reading, I'll keep planning outings, and hopefully, before too long it will be August and I can, at least, make the decision to go on Facebook if I want to.

Shenanigans I tell you!!

I DECLARE SHENANIGANS ON KING SOOPERS! Get this. I run into King Soopers today after work. (For my Ohio readers, King Soopers is Krogers out here. Just a different name) All I need to get is 2 boxes of wild rice for dinner tonight. As soon as I walk in there is a HUGE display of grapes. Grapes of all colors and sizes. Above these delicious looking grapes were three signs that all read "Grapes 10 lbs for $10" I grab a couple pounds of red grapes, go directly to the aisle with rice, which is right by the self checkout, grab 2 boxes of rice and go directly to the U-Scan. My shopping trip lasted absolutely NO more than two minutes. I scan my grapes and they ring up for full price, $3.89 per pound. I tell the cashier that they rang up wrong and as I'm doing that, someone else says that their grapes rang up the wrong price too. She calls for a price check and we both tell her to just look at the display, which is about 10 feet from where we are standing. All three of us go and look at the grape display. There are all of the delicious looking grapes, but the signs are gone. The cashier walks the ten feet over to the grapes and asks the produce guy about it. He says that they just changed the price. Really?! You changed the price in the last two minutes?! Yes. Really. She asked if I still wanted the grapes. I told her not unless they are $1 a pound. She said they aren't, so I gave her back the grapes. As did the other customer trying to buy them. I can't believe that they wouldn't honor their sign. To me, that's a total bait and switch and is really unethical. It's not even about the few extra dollars. It's about them changing their price in the middle of a heavy shopping time and then not honoring the sale price. Shenanigans!

explosive weekend

Our 3 day weekend started out with a bang. Well, an explosion anyway. Eric had food poisoning and exploded all over the bathroom. In every way. Everywhere. I wouldn't even go in there. If I even see vomit it will make me throw up. I wouldn't sleep with him, for fear that I'd get some on me. So, I slept on the couch in the basement all weekend and avoided touching him during the day. I spent the entire weekend sewing. I made little girls dresses and a dress for myself.

The weather was great on Saturday, then on Sunday, the 4th, it was in the 60s and rainy. No fireworks. No going outside. At least the dessert was delicious!
Fortunately, Mondays weather was good again and we got to spend a little time outside and see a few fireworks.

My thing

Okay, here is the answer to all of your questions. WHY am I logging off facebook for a month? To find my thing. (No, not THAT thing!) Here is the explanation:

I’m a stay at home mom and a working mom. I work from home, watching a friend’s little boy that is the same age as my boy. I also sell real estate and have yet another home business making kids boutique items. I’m very busy, yet, I’m very bored. I love my son more than anything in the world and wouldn’t go back to a 9-5 job and take him to daycare for anything, but this life isn’t what I thought it was going to be. Most days talking to friends from Ohio on Facebook is my only form of socializing. I love my friends from Ohio, but I’ve lived in Colorado for 7 years now and I still haven’t made the same kind of strong-bond-lifelong-friendships here that I have there. Everyone keeps telling me that I need to “find my thing” out here. Something other than being a Mommy. I’m a great Mommy, but there has to be more to me than being a Mommy. SO, for the month of July I’m signing off. No Facebook. No Twitter. No internet social networking. Instead, I’m going to spend this time finding “my thing”. I’ll spend my time trying new things, taking classes, having drinks with friends, meeting with someone that I don’t know all that well, making new friends, and reconnecting with old friends.

I will be writing down my journey as I go, and hopefully will end up with something that resembles a book. I'll include little snippits from the book here on my blog. Wish me luck!